I just hate when friends recommend things for you to listen to, read, or watch that have to do with personal growth and self-improvement. It usually means I am going to have to come face to face with some kind of personal deficit, be convicted, and then begrudgingly try to do something about it. CRAPENZIE! Well, I have a friend that does this on a regular basis. I keep thinking I need to break up with her to spare myself the misery of self-improvement conviction, but...dog gone if she isn't super cute and funny. I stay for the laughs and endure the self-improvement recommendations. In actuality, she doesn't know she does this...she just shares things she has learned and been convicted of herself...unfortunately, it always seems to be the same kind of thing I am trying to suppress so I can keep flourishing in my spiritual gift of denial.
And...the latest conviction is Transparency (I personally like to lean towards opaqueness.) I have a fear of "Over Sharing." I am a much better listener than I am a talker. I will admit, as a listener, I have heard a lot of "over sharing" over the years. I have asked people casually how they were doing and an hour later I felt like I could charge them for a therapy session. I cringe at the thought of someone listening to me while in their mind they are making a mental shopping list..."Oh yeah, that reminds me that I need to get toilet paper!" So recently, I was listening to my friend's latest "self-improvement video" suggestion, when SMACK! Conviction "Dope Slapped" me on the back of the head! I hate when that happens.
So, this is me ripping off the opaque bandage. Being a pastor, or middle class citizen, or having a sense of humor, or driving a fuel efficient vehicle does not spare me from the troubles of this world...well the last one might spare me from high fuel costs a little...but other than that I am susceptible to the same problems and maladies that everyone else is exposed to. I have a son with PTSD from the 5 years of childhood cancer he fought, I have a teenage daughter (enough said), I have 2 young, rambunctious boys that have special needs and have the super power of destruction. My family has had financial problems, communication problems, physical problems, mental problems, spiritual problems, and every other kind of problem you can think of. I have dust bunnies and cobwebs, stacks of laundry and dishes to do, a long list of household maintenance and spring cleaning. I can yell at my children and give my husband the silent treatment. Sometimes, I want to kick the dog AND the cats. I am overweight, sometimes depressed, sometimes lonely, and sometimes defiant (okay, most times defiant.) I live with pain everyday...emotional and physical. I have age spots, gray hair, and have paid for my doctor to travel around the world in co-pays alone.
It isn't easy opening the blinds to my windows for others to see. But, my desire to have close and complete relationships with others is greater than the shame or discomfort of letting others view the real me. The people who have made me open my curtains bring me comfort, challenge me, cheer me on, support me, and love me without condition. Our lives are made for relationships...both good and bad. We learn, grow, and are blessed when we let people into our lives.
Windows get dirty, windows break, and when there is a storm - it is much harder to see clearly. Relationships are messy, don't always last, and take work. Some windows we should never look in and sometimes we need to be careful about who looks into our windows. I do know this...it is through transparency that relationships are built and maintained. I hate cleaning windows...but I really love looking through the clear glass.
Oh great...I just realized I need to wash my windows on my house
